All of your feelings are good, even your anger, your fear, and your sadness. They are a part of you, and are here to help you. Your feelings help to motivate you to fulfill your needs, wants, and desires. When our needs, wants, or desires are not being met, we get a “feeling” that something isn’t right. Our feelings are trying to tell us something important, but most of us weren’t taught how to understand the messages that our feelings are giving us.

The Feel Bad/Distract Cycle.

If you are like most people, you don’t want to feel bad - whether its sadness, anger, or a lack of fulfillment. Perhaps you’ve had the experience of having a feeling and distracting yourself from it (or you’ve “stuffed it down”). Distractions include food, alcohol, smoking, social media, etc.

The problem is that none of these “distractors” will help you deal with the source of the sadness, anger, or desire for purpose and fulfillment. So you eat more, or drink more, or continue distracting in some other way.

Before long, you get stuck in a rut. This rut becomes a continuous cycle of feeling bad and trying to distract from that feeling. Because the feeling has never truly been resolved, it soon returns and the cycle continues. This leads to additional problems in life, possibly a sense of anger, frustration, or even depression.

Respond to your feelings in a satisfying way using 1-2-3

1. Name the feeling

2. Identify the cause of the feeling (the need, want, or desire that needs fulfilling).

3. Identify a satisfying response that fulfills the need, want, or desire.

Many people have gotten so good at distracting from their feelings that this 1-2-3 approach can seem daunting at first, but it gets easier the more you practice with it!

Feelings, Needs, and Satisfying Responses

We feel sadness when we experience or anticipate loss. Satisfying sadness comes through mourning the loss and finding ways to honor (or replace what has been lost).

When we feel fearful, we have a sense that something “bad” might happen - that we are in danger. Fear is often felt in combination with other feelings, and it can be satisfied by doing what is necessary to keep yourself safe.

We feel a sense of inadequacy when we feel “not good enough”. This feeling can be satisfied by doing a reality check on that feeling. If there is something more that you can do so you can do better, follow through, and then you will feel “good enough”.

Anger is a sense that we (or someone we love) is being treated unfairly. It can be satisfied by making the situation more fair. Anger can also be resolved through forgiveness and a higher understanding of the cause of the inequity.

Guilt is related to anger. It is a sense that we are treating someone else unfairly. Guilt can be satisfied through a reality check of the situation and evaluation of boundaries, obligations, and a commitment to treat others fairly.

Loneliness represents a desire for relationship and community. It can be satisfied by getting out and engaging with others.

Boredom represents a desire for growth and challenge. It can be satisfied by trying something new such as taking a class and learning something, meeting new people, exploring new avenues in life, etc.

When we feel stressed, it is often because we have more on our “to do” list than we can accomplish in the amount of time that we have. This feeling of stress can be satisfied by re-evaluating responsibilities, setting boundaries, letting some things go, and possibly delegating.

Note: Our feelings are often based on incorrect or incomplete information - a misperception based on our history. It is important to do a reality check - ask yourself “is this ‘feeling’ based in reality?” Fear is a great example, it is there to remind us to keep ourselves safe! Once we’ve assessed the situation, we can ensure our safety and the fear is no longer necessary.